I’m Back!

As many of you realized, I wasn’t in the Bahamas after all. I was actually at the FCEOW (Fake CEOs Of The World) Conference in an undisclosed secret location. For security reasons I was forced to lie (all of my Fake Bodyguards are busy right now) and tell all of you that I was going to the “Bahamas.”

In other news… You can expect a news release later today about some new Zunes (think “Zune Nano”), but I’ll talk more about that later when its official. 

One of my Jewish friends has invited me to this Simchat Tora thing where we run around in circles around the Tora (not to be confused with the Hora). Chag Sameach!

Vacation

I’m going away on vacation to the Bahamas this week. (Its a business trip to take care of “Vista stuff.”) I’ll be back by Wednesday. 

 

Anti Communism

UPDATE: PLEASE IGNORE THIS POST! THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY STEVE BALLMER! HE HACKED INTO MY BLOG AND WROTE IT!

Due to the huge wave of anti Micro$oft, open source loving, ****ing Russian communists that are visiting this website, we (Micro$oft), for the entire world’s sake, have decided to launch a huge new wave of anti communism warfare!

We’ve invested millions in the defense industry, and look forward to huge profits from the upcoming war that we intend to start between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. We’re currently activating a virus that we included in Vista.

The U.S. government is now experiencing technical problems that they believe are caused by Russian hackers.

Now is the time to invest! Invest in Micro$oft now, and you’ll make billions! Now is a time of amazing opportunity! Don’t believe what the communist Steve Jobs tells you. Steve Jobs is part of a communist plot to blow up New York city! Act now before it is too late!

Invest in Micro$oft today and get a free gas mask! LONG LIVE STEVE BALLMER!And always remember…

 

Sorry About The Outburst

I’m sorry about yesterday’s post. I have certain medical conditions (ADD, ADHD, etc, etc…) that sometimes disrupt my normal behavior. I have medication, but I was busy with some Vista stuff yesterday and I forgot to take it.

I asked around, and it seems that I’m not the only one at Micro$oft with these problems. Steve Ballmer also has severe ADHD (and several other psychological issues that I probably shouldn’t talk about), and over 34% of all Micro$oft employees have- at the very least- mild ADD. (Perhaps this is due to the original job requirements for Micro$oft; But thats a whole other story for another time)

Anyway, I’ve created a new special division at Micro$oft called the BDDHD (Behavior Disrupting Disorders Help Division). The division will be responsible for making sure that everyone stays in control and takes their meds. They also- Sorry but I have to go. My nurse is here, and she says its time.

What The Hell Does This Mean?

My blog just made the Russian new headlines. The only problem is that I don’t understand a single word in Russian, and I don’t even know whether the article is praising or criticizing my blog.

Ray Ozzie (Chief Software Architect for Microsoft) recommended that I try to translate the article using Google’s translation tools. I didn’t want to use them (because they’re made by Google), and I argued with him for ten minutes.

The argument ended when Steve Ballmer started shrieking in the room next door. It turns out that he accidentally electrocuted himself while he was playing with one of our servers. Unfortunately, it was only a minor shock, and he’s already back up causing trouble.

Anyways, Ozzie ran off to help Ballmer, leaving me to make the decision on my own. I reluctantly tried using Google to translate the article and I got this. Here’s an excerpt of the translation:

fakebill.wordpress.com Tozi fresh parodien blog e krsten “Tayniyat diary Bill Gates on.” От него най-после ще научите всичко за плановете на Microsoft да разкаже играта на Apple и Google.It nay-posle Notification teach music for planovete to Microsoft so razkazhe igrata at Apple and Google. Фалшивият Бил демонстрира видеоотговори на Get A Mac

Yep. That was real helpful. Yet another success from Google.

Next I tried using World Lingo to translate. I got this. Here’s an excerpt:

fakebill.wordpress.com Of [t]o[zi] is fresh [parodien] of [blog] e of [krsten] of „They [tayniyat] diary on beaters Gates “. From it [nay]- after the cabbage soup you will learn [vsichko] after you

The most impressive part of the translation was the line “From it [nay]- after the cabbage soup you will learn [vsichko]“

By this point, I was getting desperate for a good translation. For certain reasons that I don’t want to mention (related to top secret Microsoft “Research”), I had a Mac on my desk. I pressed f12 and tried using the translation widget to translate the page. Here’s the result:

Now, isn’t that an impressive translation! Typical of Apple, it makes absolutely no sense. Just like World Lingo’s translation, its talking about cabbage soup. Absolutely fascinating!

Anyways, I have to go and talk to the paramedics. They’re insisting on taking Ballmer to the hospital for a check up. Hopefully they’ll do a brain scan or, at the very least, test Ballmer for mental retardedness.

A Few Words About Myself

Hello, everyone. My name is Bill Gates, and I have over ten million times more money than you. I created Windows, the most advanced operating system in existence, after I dropped out of high school. All I ever learned in school anyways was how to get credit for other people’s work (and I do that very well).

I have severe ADHD. I am hyperactive and can’t stay focused for long periods of time. People tell me that I have somewhat of a split personality and that I change moods very fast.

I hate to break it to you, but no matter what you do, I’ll always have more money than you. To tell you the truth, I make more money in a second than you do in an entire day. Before I get sidetracked, let mention one more thing. Every one of the hundreds of lawyers that I employ are telling me that its absolutely necessary to have a disclaimer. If you absolutely must read it then you can find it here.

Anyways, because I’m so rich, every day one hundred random strangers ask me for money. Every year, I give one or two of the suckers some money to help my reputation. I even started a foundation to decide which sucker gets the money. Why not? Anyways, after I give a few of them money, I tell the rest of them to go and get a job and a life. The ones who stay and whine are removed forcibly.

I’ve thought of creating a blog before, but I always decided it wasn’t worth it. Why should I, Bill Gates, the richest man to have ever lived, spend my precious time writing about my life so that some idiot on the other side of the globe can read it. Blogging doesn’t pay well, and even if it did, I certainly don’t need the money. As I already said, I make hundreds of thousands of dollars every day by doing nothing. Why should I waste my time blogging? Its the stupidest idea I ever heard of. In fact, I fired the last guy that recommended it to me.

That is what I used to think. Then I saw this website. Wow! Bad move by me. I’m taking medicine to overcome my severe ADHD, but it all broke down. I totally lost control. Stupid Little Steve Jobs, that ugly little bugger that messed up my life, has his own blog. Not only that, but he has been making fun of me on a daily basis. Even worse, he’s been making fun of Vista. He is such an ungrateful brat. I created the computer (or close enough anyways) and he has the chutzpah to go and make fun of me.

If he can blog, than so can I! He may try to brainwash you into buying a Mac, but I’ll stop him! I’ll beat him at his own game! You watch and see. Down with El Jobso! LONG LIVE MICROSOFT