Make Your Own MS Ad Contest And Win $$$$

November 29, 2007

I’ll admit it: We’re out of ideas. No matter how hard we try, people are being influenced by Apple’s ads and are making bad decisions.

Therefore, I’m happy to announce the User Created Ad Contest.You create an ad for any M$ product, submit it, have it judged by a select panel of biased bloggers, win prizes and money, and lose/use it all on a new computer.

More information and details will follow. Right now, we’re looking for sponsors.

FCEOW 07 Pictures

October 6, 2007

I’m sure that all of you have already seen Fake Steve Ballmer’s pictures of FCEOW 07, and were wondering where “Where’s Fake Bill?” The truth is, I wasn’t in any of the pictures on Fake Steve’s blog. In order to keep my Secret Identity secret, I showed up in a Darth Vader costume. Steve Ballmer also was worried about revealing his secret identity, so he showed up as Darth Maul. Here’s some pictures:

Darth Vader and Darth Maul
Thats me on the right and thats Steve on the left.

Darth Vader
Me again!

Darth outside

That me, Fake Ballmer (after he took off his costume), and a random security guard.

As you can see, I had a great time. At one point, the real George W. Bush even showed up. (He got confused and thought that he was fake George W.B.) I have to convince Fake Ballmer to throw these conferences more often.

The only problem was that some people mistakenly thought that I was Fake Vader. They didn’t seem to understand that I was Fake Bill with the Fake secret identity of Fake Vader! Perhaps it was for the best anyway, because all of my Fake Stormtroopers were elsewhere, and I don’t think that I would have been able to deal with all of the fans myself.

About halfway through the party, I showed off a magic trick (where I used the “force”) and Fake Ballmer (still dressed up as Fake Darth Maul) got pissed that I was getting all the attention. He ripped off his costume, threw a few chairs, screamed “Developers!”, stormed away, and got drunk. He later got kicked out of his own party by the security guards who thought that he was Fake Fake Steve Ballmer. You can see him without his costume in the last picture above. He’s the dude on the left.

Good Times…

October 4, 2007

Imagine my surprise when I booted up my computer this morning, went to everybody’s favorite website, and saw this: 

Geeky picture of me

Hmm… It seems like someone at Microsoft (probably Ballmer) went digging around in the pile of old photos on my desk, and stole a picture without my permission. I’m not too annoyed (I simply look amazing in that picture) but I’ll get him back tomorrow by placing this on’s home page:

I’m Back!

August 16, 2007

Wow! A lot has happened while I was gone. Some geniuses claim to have discovered that Fake Steve is really some little nobody named Daniel Lyons! Don’t believe them. Its an outright lie. Fake Steve is really written by the real Steve Jobs! Its all a cover up to hide the truth. I’m not sure what the real Steve’s motivation for the lie is, but I have a team of private investigators looking into it at this very moment.

Anyway, I’d like to thank Ballmer for covering for me while I was gone- even though he really screwed up things at Micro$oft by firing all female employees (don’t ask). I’d also like to thank all of you who have kept coming to my blog while I was away. I even managed to get on’s front page a few times thanks to you.

Some great stuff has happened at Micro$oft in the past month. (With the exception of Ballmer’s little power play.) Also, I’ve managed to succesfully dispose of the IRS agents on my trail, and I’ll now be able to blog more regularly. I’ll tell you all about some of the more interesting top-scret things later.

Anti Communism

July 11, 2007


Due to the huge wave of anti Micro$oft, open source loving, ****ing Russian communists that are visiting this website, we (Micro$oft), for the entire world’s sake, have decided to launch a huge new wave of anti communism warfare!

We’ve invested millions in the defense industry, and look forward to huge profits from the upcoming war that we intend to start between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. We’re currently activating a virus that we included in Vista.

The U.S. government is now experiencing technical problems that they believe are caused by Russian hackers.

Now is the time to invest! Invest in Micro$oft now, and you’ll make billions! Now is a time of amazing opportunity! Don’t believe what the communist Steve Jobs tells you. Steve Jobs is part of a communist plot to blow up New York city! Act now before it is too late!

Invest in Micro$oft today and get a free gas mask! LONG LIVE STEVE BALLMER!And always remember…

 open source is communism!

What The Hell Does This Mean?

May 24, 2007

My blog just made the Russian new headlines. The only problem is that I don’t understand a single word in Russian, and I don’t even know whether the article is praising or criticizing my blog.

Ray Ozzie (Chief Software Architect for Microsoft) recommended that I try to translate the article using Google’s translation tools. I didn’t want to use them (because they’re made by Google), and I argued with him for ten minutes.

The argument ended when Steve Ballmer started shrieking in the room next door. It turns out that he accidentally electrocuted himself while he was playing with one of our servers. Unfortunately, it was only a minor shock, and he’s already back up causing trouble.

Ballmer Sticking out his tongue

Anyways, Ozzie ran off to help Ballmer, leaving me to make the decision on my own. I reluctantly tried using Google to translate the article and I got this. Here’s an excerpt of the translation: Tozi fresh parodien blog e krsten “Tayniyat diary Bill Gates on.” От него най-после ще научите всичко за плановете на Microsoft да разкаже играта на Apple и Google.It nay-posle Notification teach music for planovete to Microsoft so razkazhe igrata at Apple and Google. Фалшивият Бил демонстрира видеоотговори на Get A Mac

Yep. That was real helpful. Yet another success from Google.

Next I tried using World Lingo to translate. I got this. Here’s an excerpt: Of [t]o[zi] is fresh [parodien] of [blog] e of [krsten] of „They [tayniyat] diary on beaters Gates “. From it [nay]- after the cabbage soup you will learn [vsichko] after you

The most impressive part of the translation was the line “From it [nay]- after the cabbage soup you will learn [vsichko]

By this point, I was getting desperate for a good translation. For certain reasons that I don’t want to mention (related to top secret Microsoft “Research”), I had a Mac on my desk. I pressed f12 and tried using the translation widget to translate the page. Here’s the result:

Translation of that russian article

Now, isn’t that an impressive translation! Typical of Apple, it makes absolutely no sense. Just like World Lingo’s translation, its talking about cabbage soup. Absolutely fascinating!

Anyways, I have to go and talk to the paramedics. They’re insisting on taking Ballmer to the hospital for a check up. Hopefully they’ll do a brain scan or, at the very least, test Ballmer for mental retardedness.


May 15, 2007

Sorry about the last post. It wasn’t written by me. I accidentally left my laptop on my desk when I went to the bathroom, and Steve Ballmer (one of the guys that works for me) saw it. Steve (being the genius that he is) thought that he would do me a “favor” by telling people to mess up Google by blocking their ads. So- without my permission- he went ahead and wrote a post on my blog.

I yelled at him for ten minutes until he began to cry. Unfortunately I can’t fire him because he’s going to take over for me as CEO when I retire.

Its not that I object to what he wrote. I’m happy he wrote it, but he didn’t have to write it in such an obvious way. He almost messed up this blog permanently. As it is, I probably just lost a couple of readers. The key to brainwashing is to be very subtle. And what he wrote was not subtle at all!