Microsoft Brainstorming Sessions

April 30, 2007

Ok, I know that maybe Windows Vista hasn’t been our most successful version of Windows. Maybe its even a tiny bit of a failure. I know that Dell is putting Windows XP back on a lot of their computers, and I know that a lot of people are switching to Linux and Mac OS X. The problem is real: Microsoft’s monopoly on the desktop computer is endangered. The problem must- and will be- solved

We at Microsoft have been thinking about what we can do to solve the desperate situation. We’ve been having emergency meetings 24/7 to try to come up with a solution. We have some great ideas in work, and I’ll be anouncing some of them as the week goes on.

Here’s some pictures of me at one of our brainstorming sessions:

Gates Gone Crazy

As you can see, I had lots of good ideas.

Stay tuned in for updates on Microsoft’s future.


Shut Up Jack Thompson!

April 29, 2007

Yesterday, I got a nice little email from some attorney named Jack Thompson concerning the Virginia Tech Shootings. I looked him up online, and it turns out that Jack is a noisy anti-gaming activist. His email was somewhat long, so I’m not going to post the entire letter here, but I’ll sum it up in a few sentences:

1) The Virginia Tech shooter, Seung-Hui Cho, had psychological problems and violent tendencies.

2) Therefore he played a violent video game called Counterstrike.

3) Counterstrike taught him how to kill unemotionally and calmly.

4) Counterstrike was a PC game made by a company called Valve Software.

5) Microsoft helped Valve Software port Counterstrike to the Xbox.

6) Therefore Microsoft is responsible for the VT shooting.

Jack goes on to demand that I should do something and that Microsoft should shut down the online gaming system. You can read the full story here.

Guess what Jack? I don’t think so! Your point doesn’t even make any sense. Just because I’m richer than you doesn’t mean that you have the right to sue me over stupid issues like this. In fact, I’m going to take you to court for wasting my time and for trying to ruin my reputation.

New Developments In Microsoft’s Acquisition Of

April 28, 2007

Yesterday’s meeting with Ozzie and Ballmer went well. I told them that I wanted to buy, and they both just stood there for a few seconds. Then Ballmer came over, shook my hand, and told me that it was the most brilliant idea he ever heard. Then he stood there dumbly for a few seconds and he asked me what WordPress was. Seriously, he amazes me sometimes. He may be my best friend, but he is nowhere near as smart as me. He’s actually pretty gtarded.

Ballmer Sticking out his tongue

Anyways, I still am waiting for a reply from I tried contacting them with the feedback button at the top of my dashboard page, but it didn’t seem to work. Maybe they’re like us at Microsoft and don’t actually read any of the feedback. I’m not sure who else to contact. Maybe I should try contacting that Matt person. He seems to be important. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll try talking to that dude with the mustache. Either way, I’ll get through to them eventually.

Now that I think about this, I realize that this whole deal is even more important than I thought before. Those slimy folks at Google have their Blogger service, and The Rotten Apple has its .mac thing. If we buy then we might actually be able to compete with them.

Microsoft Is Going To Buy

April 27, 2007

I’ve only been using for half a day so far, but I like it. I like it so much that I’ve decided to buy it. It isn’t official yet, but I’ve set up a meeting for this afternoon with Steve Balmer and Ray Ozzie to discuss the topic. Unless they’re really opposed to the idea, its going to probably happen. Besides, they won’t be opposed to the idea. They always do what I tell them to do and they never think for themselves. But that’s a good thing.

Anyways, I’m guessing that we (Microsoft) will be able to acquire for around ten to fifteen million. Maybe I’ll even be willing to buy it for twenty million. That’s still just pocket money for me. I’ve already contacted concerning the issue, and I’m waiting for a reply. I’ll keep you updated about the acquisition.

A Few Words About Myself

April 27, 2007

Hello, everyone. My name is Bill Gates, and I have over ten million times more money than you. I created Windows, the most advanced operating system in existence, after I dropped out of high school. All I ever learned in school anyways was how to get credit for other people’s work (and I do that very well).

I have severe ADHD. I am hyperactive and can’t stay focused for long periods of time. People tell me that I have somewhat of a split personality and that I change moods very fast.

I hate to break it to you, but no matter what you do, I’ll always have more money than you. To tell you the truth, I make more money in a second than you do in an entire day. Before I get sidetracked, let mention one more thing. Every one of the hundreds of lawyers that I employ are telling me that its absolutely necessary to have a disclaimer. If you absolutely must read it then you can find it here.

Anyways, because I’m so rich, every day one hundred random strangers ask me for money. Every year, I give one or two of the suckers some money to help my reputation. I even started a foundation to decide which sucker gets the money. Why not? Anyways, after I give a few of them money, I tell the rest of them to go and get a job and a life. The ones who stay and whine are removed forcibly.

I’ve thought of creating a blog before, but I always decided it wasn’t worth it. Why should I, Bill Gates, the richest man to have ever lived, spend my precious time writing about my life so that some idiot on the other side of the globe can read it. Blogging doesn’t pay well, and even if it did, I certainly don’t need the money. As I already said, I make hundreds of thousands of dollars every day by doing nothing. Why should I waste my time blogging? Its the stupidest idea I ever heard of. In fact, I fired the last guy that recommended it to me.

That is what I used to think. Then I saw this website. Wow! Bad move by me. I’m taking medicine to overcome my severe ADHD, but it all broke down. I totally lost control. Stupid Little Steve Jobs, that ugly little bugger that messed up my life, has his own blog. Not only that, but he has been making fun of me on a daily basis. Even worse, he’s been making fun of Vista. He is such an ungrateful brat. I created the computer (or close enough anyways) and he has the chutzpah to go and make fun of me.

If he can blog, than so can I! He may try to brainwash you into buying a Mac, but I’ll stop him! I’ll beat him at his own game! You watch and see. Down with El Jobso! LONG LIVE MICROSOFT

Bill Gates Shooting THe iPod