SP1, Oh Baby!

March 24, 2008

Woohoo! We did it (at last)!

Windows Vista Security- er, Service Pack 1 was  just released into the wild. In order of importance, the new features are the following:

(The list of features is taken from the official press release. (Really.))

  • Removes 20 second delay when pressing Ctrl Alt Del on certain machines.
  • Windows Explorer (usually) no longer freezes if you browse the network
  • Most of the time, the machine no longer hangs when emerging from hibernation mode.
  • The ‘Pause for 15 seconds before connecting to the network’ feature (this feature is strangely present in every version but Ultimate) has (temporarily) been removed.

Lets look at what the fanboys are saying:

“Windows Vista SP1 lacks any compelling ‘must haves,’ and, in most cases, doesn’t significantly improve performance (in some cases, it even degrades performance).
The bottom line: While it’s always good to install the latest code for any operating system, installing the Windows Vista SP1 update will require some casual users to spend a few hours without any visible or tangible improvements to their systems.”

-C|Net 

If you fast-forward to 2015, and then look-back; I bet that Vista’s SP1 will be hailed as a classic example of waiting until the first service pack before deploying an operating system. Thus if you have not deployed Vista, then wait until next spring and expect a smooth migration from XP.”

– ComputerPerformance.co.uk

Opening Windows Explorer for the first time in a session (which on my desktop took at least a full 30 seconds, and as long as a full minute) now takes an ‘acceptable’ 10 to 15 secondsMicrosoft also boasts about speed improvements in Internet Explorer 7… I found no proof of the former.”

 – PC Magazine

In the spirit of celebration, we put up some Vista jokes for y’all over here.

Head over to Microsucks.com and get your copy.

Um, anyone?

Please? We’ll give you free support.

Oh well. 😦

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Hello from the Moon

January 6, 2008

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. There have been several attempts on my life in the past few months. In order to escape, I chartered a private rocket to the moon, and I’m writing this post via NASA’s wireless network. (Seriously, the username and password were both “admin” and it took me under a day to hack in.)

In order to throw off the would be assasins, it was necessary to fake my death before I left Earth. The current opinion among Earthlings is that I’m dead. I’m about to broadcast this post over NASA’s Active SETI satellites, so I got to run.


Senator Hillary Comes Over To The Dark Side

November 15, 2007

For those of you that missed it, here are some of the highlights from Hillary’s speech last night:

“For many years, this country has been built up by the immigrants. They came to Ellis Island with hopes and dreams. They worked long days and nights to fulfill those dreams, and in the process they made our great country the place it is today.”

“However, now, the time for immigrants is over! We don’t need or want them in our country. They bring in disease, poverty, and crime. They swarm over the borders like locust. Its time to pass new laws restricting all but the richest immigrants!”

“If I am elected President, I will do my best to employ a ruthless border control police force with the permission to shoot all offenders!”

“I propose that Ellis Island be turned into a museum celebrating the success of the great pride of our country… MICROSOFT!”

“Microsoft has done more for the United States than the immigrants have… We need to honor those that have truely served our country…”

 statue of gates

Its amazing what a few campaign donations can do…

TODO: Arrange a meeting between Ballmer and Hillary.


If You Buy A Mac… You Will Get Explosive Diarrhea

August 28, 2007

Thats right, all Mac users have bladder problems. (As well as many other problems that I can’t even begin to describe.) Why else would this widget be the number two widget on Apple.com?

Public Toilet Locater

This is almost enough to make me pity Steve Jobs! Almost. Hopefully there are a lot of toilets at Apple HQ in Cupertino, CA.

As a special bonus to all yeh faithful blog-readers, all copies of Vista ordered today come with a free gps potty locater to replace the one on your Mac! Order yours today on Microso$ft.com/special%20deal/poop-a-scooper.dll. 

Hmm… perhaps all Mac users have a FATAL BUFFER OVERLOAD ERROR IN OUTPUT.DLL. Or would that be an error with /sbin/dump?


I’m Back!

August 16, 2007

Wow! A lot has happened while I was gone. Some geniuses claim to have discovered that Fake Steve is really some little nobody named Daniel Lyons! Don’t believe them. Its an outright lie. Fake Steve is really written by the real Steve Jobs! Its all a cover up to hide the truth. I’m not sure what the real Steve’s motivation for the lie is, but I have a team of private investigators looking into it at this very moment.

Anyway, I’d like to thank Ballmer for covering for me while I was gone- even though he really screwed up things at Micro$oft by firing all female employees (don’t ask). I’d also like to thank all of you who have kept coming to my blog while I was away. I even managed to get on wordpress.com’s front page a few times thanks to you.

Some great stuff has happened at Micro$oft in the past month. (With the exception of Ballmer’s little power play.) Also, I’ve managed to succesfully dispose of the IRS agents on my trail, and I’ll now be able to blog more regularly. I’ll tell you all about some of the more interesting top-scret things later.


Shh…

July 12, 2007

Don’t tell anyone, but I personally am responsible for this. Go ahead Canonical, sue me! I really don’t care. I can pay the price, but can you? Do you dare pay the price for upsetting Microsoft?


Anti Communism

July 11, 2007

UPDATE: PLEASE IGNORE THIS POST! THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY STEVE BALLMER! HE HACKED INTO MY BLOG AND WROTE IT!

Due to the huge wave of anti Micro$oft, open source loving, ****ing Russian communists that are visiting this website, we (Micro$oft), for the entire world’s sake, have decided to launch a huge new wave of anti communism warfare!

We’ve invested millions in the defense industry, and look forward to huge profits from the upcoming war that we intend to start between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. We’re currently activating a virus that we included in Vista.

The U.S. government is now experiencing technical problems that they believe are caused by Russian hackers.

Now is the time to invest! Invest in Micro$oft now, and you’ll make billions! Now is a time of amazing opportunity! Don’t believe what the communist Steve Jobs tells you. Steve Jobs is part of a communist plot to blow up New York city! Act now before it is too late!

Invest in Micro$oft today and get a free gas mask! LONG LIVE STEVE BALLMER!And always remember…

 open source is communism!