Make Your Own MS Ad Contest And Win $$$$

November 29, 2007

I’ll admit it: We’re out of ideas. No matter how hard we try, people are being influenced by Apple’s ads and are making bad decisions.

Therefore, I’m happy to announce the User Created Ad Contest.You create an ad for any M$ product, submit it, have it judged by a select panel of biased bloggers, win prizes and money, and lose/use it all on a new computer.

More information and details will follow. Right now, we’re looking for sponsors.

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Windows Live Translator

September 10, 2007

Check it out, Windows live translator has gone public. Now I can stop using that slimy Google translator that doesn’t even work!


Anti Communism

July 11, 2007

UPDATE: PLEASE IGNORE THIS POST! THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY STEVE BALLMER! HE HACKED INTO MY BLOG AND WROTE IT!

Due to the huge wave of anti Micro$oft, open source loving, ****ing Russian communists that are visiting this website, we (Micro$oft), for the entire world’s sake, have decided to launch a huge new wave of anti communism warfare!

We’ve invested millions in the defense industry, and look forward to huge profits from the upcoming war that we intend to start between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. We’re currently activating a virus that we included in Vista.

The U.S. government is now experiencing technical problems that they believe are caused by Russian hackers.

Now is the time to invest! Invest in Micro$oft now, and you’ll make billions! Now is a time of amazing opportunity! Don’t believe what the communist Steve Jobs tells you. Steve Jobs is part of a communist plot to blow up New York city! Act now before it is too late!

Invest in Micro$oft today and get a free gas mask! LONG LIVE STEVE BALLMER!And always remember…

 open source is communism!


What The Hell Does This Mean?

May 24, 2007

My blog just made the Russian new headlines. The only problem is that I don’t understand a single word in Russian, and I don’t even know whether the article is praising or criticizing my blog.

Ray Ozzie (Chief Software Architect for Microsoft) recommended that I try to translate the article using Google’s translation tools. I didn’t want to use them (because they’re made by Google), and I argued with him for ten minutes.

The argument ended when Steve Ballmer started shrieking in the room next door. It turns out that he accidentally electrocuted himself while he was playing with one of our servers. Unfortunately, it was only a minor shock, and he’s already back up causing trouble.

Ballmer Sticking out his tongue

Anyways, Ozzie ran off to help Ballmer, leaving me to make the decision on my own. I reluctantly tried using Google to translate the article and I got this. Here’s an excerpt of the translation:

fakebill.wordpress.com Tozi fresh parodien blog e krsten “Tayniyat diary Bill Gates on.” От него най-после ще научите всичко за плановете на Microsoft да разкаже играта на Apple и Google.It nay-posle Notification teach music for planovete to Microsoft so razkazhe igrata at Apple and Google. Фалшивият Бил демонстрира видеоотговори на Get A Mac

Yep. That was real helpful. Yet another success from Google.

Next I tried using World Lingo to translate. I got this. Here’s an excerpt:

fakebill.wordpress.com Of [t]o[zi] is fresh [parodien] of [blog] e of [krsten] of „They [tayniyat] diary on beaters Gates “. From it [nay]- after the cabbage soup you will learn [vsichko] after you

The most impressive part of the translation was the line “From it [nay]- after the cabbage soup you will learn [vsichko]

By this point, I was getting desperate for a good translation. For certain reasons that I don’t want to mention (related to top secret Microsoft “Research”), I had a Mac on my desk. I pressed f12 and tried using the translation widget to translate the page. Here’s the result:

Translation of that russian article

Now, isn’t that an impressive translation! Typical of Apple, it makes absolutely no sense. Just like World Lingo’s translation, its talking about cabbage soup. Absolutely fascinating!

Anyways, I have to go and talk to the paramedics. They’re insisting on taking Ballmer to the hospital for a check up. Hopefully they’ll do a brain scan or, at the very least, test Ballmer for mental retardedness.


Please Do Me A Favor!

May 15, 2007

UPDATE: Please ignore this post. It wasn’t posted by me! A jerk called Steve Ballmer (who works for me) wrote it without my permission!

Bill Gates Moaning

We (Microsoft) are getting desperate. Google handled 54% of U.S. web searches, and MSN handled 10% last month. We have to do something.

Please, please, please, do us a big favor. Its easy and simple. Please help me mess up Google. Google makes all of their money off of ads. If you block the ads, then they don’t make money. Here’s a really easy guide on how to block the ads on Google. Thanks, and LONG LIVE MSN!

Btw, Steve Ballmer is The Best! He is the smartest person ever! ALL HAIL BALLMER!


New Developments In Microsoft’s Acquisition Of WordPress.com

April 28, 2007

Yesterday’s meeting with Ozzie and Ballmer went well. I told them that I wanted to buy WordPress.com, and they both just stood there for a few seconds. Then Ballmer came over, shook my hand, and told me that it was the most brilliant idea he ever heard. Then he stood there dumbly for a few seconds and he asked me what WordPress was. Seriously, he amazes me sometimes. He may be my best friend, but he is nowhere near as smart as me. He’s actually pretty gtarded.

Ballmer Sticking out his tongue

Anyways, I still am waiting for a reply from WordPress.com. I tried contacting them with the feedback button at the top of my dashboard page, but it didn’t seem to work. Maybe they’re like us at Microsoft and don’t actually read any of the feedback. I’m not sure who else to contact. Maybe I should try contacting that Matt person. He seems to be important. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll try talking to that dude with the mustache. Either way, I’ll get through to them eventually.

Now that I think about this, I realize that this whole deal is even more important than I thought before. Those slimy folks at Google have their Blogger service, and The Rotten Apple has its .mac thing. If we buy WordPress.com then we might actually be able to compete with them.