Vacation

I’m going away for a while. I need a nice long break. I’ll be back in approximately one month. In the meantime, I convinced Steve Ballmer to stop highjacking my blog and to start a blog of his own. You can read his blog here. I know that my blog stats are going to go down in my absence, but its unavoidable. The IRS are investigating, and I need to go into hiding. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. Until then, LONG LIVE MICOR$UCKS!

We Stole Apple’s Logo

We’re stealing Apple’s universal logo and using it for Microsoft Word. Shh! Don’t tell anyone!

Windows Security

Source

New Special Edition Xbox

We’re now selling a special edition Halo Xbox (Halo not included). Its an ugly brown color that looks like you-know-what. It has a smaller than ever hard drive, an optional Xbox live membership (for an additional $99 a year), and a wired controller. Get yours today at Micro$ucks.com before they all sell out!

Windows Server 2008

We just announced the exact release date for Windows Server 2008. New features include a command line version of Clippy, out of the box support for usb keyboards, and a new .net function to perfor a msn search. More details about Clippy will be announced in the following weeks…

Shh…

Don’t tell anyone, but I personally am responsible for this. Go ahead Canonical, sue me! I really don’t care. I can pay the price, but can you? Do you dare pay the price for upsetting Microsoft?

Anti Communism

UPDATE: PLEASE IGNORE THIS POST! THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY STEVE BALLMER! HE HACKED INTO MY BLOG AND WROTE IT!

Due to the huge wave of anti Micro$oft, open source loving, ****ing Russian communists that are visiting this website, we (Micro$oft), for the entire world’s sake, have decided to launch a huge new wave of anti communism warfare!

We’ve invested millions in the defense industry, and look forward to huge profits from the upcoming war that we intend to start between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. We’re currently activating a virus that we included in Vista.

The U.S. government is now experiencing technical problems that they believe are caused by Russian hackers.

Now is the time to invest! Invest in Micro$oft now, and you’ll make billions! Now is a time of amazing opportunity! Don’t believe what the communist Steve Jobs tells you. Steve Jobs is part of a communist plot to blow up New York city! Act now before it is too late!

Invest in Micro$oft today and get a free gas mask! LONG LIVE STEVE BALLMER!And always remember…

 

HELLO FROM THE MOTHERLAND!

This has been my blog’s traffic over the past few days:

 

Notice the sudden spike in traffic? Some Russian dudes (see picture below) linked to my blog on their websites, and I’m now getting lots and lots of communist visitors. They come in, look at the site, and then leave without even doing anything. They don’t even leave any comments. (Not that I would want to hear their stupid little communist thoughts anyways.)

LONG LIVE BILL GATES AND THE MOTHERLAND!

I’m No Longer The Richest Man Alive

Yes, you heard that right. I’m now the second richest man alive. A stupid Mexican (you know, the people with the sombreros) named “Carlos Slim” (what a stupid name) just overtook me.

Don’t worry about it. I’m doing everything in my power to stop him. I have a team of lawyers that are looking for a way to sue him, I have a private investigator that is investigating him so that I can blackmail him, and I have convinced a bunch of charity organizations to go and pester him. Everything will be under control soon.

If all else fails, there’s always the BSOD…

The zitPhone

Today we’ve got another big announcement to make here at Microsoft: The iPhone is NOTHING! Thats right. The iPhone is absolutely nothing compared to what we’re about to release today. Today we’re announcing the release of a totally new next generation gadget. Today we’re introducing the zitPhone. 

 

Remember, you heard it here first.